"Bump n' Grind"... could these be the best two and a half words in the English language?

For centuries, black people the world over have been exploited. They have been kidnapped, enslaved, beaten, freed, segregated and feared. And what has the white man gotten back in return for his abuses of an entire people? Bump n' Grind! I honestly think that 75% of relationships now can be attributed to this courting activity.

I suppose there's only one man that can describe such a powerful mating ritual, Sir. David Attenborough. My interview with Sir. David was an enthralling discussion on the matter, he has just released his new documentary series entitled: Other World: The Coppers Experience.

Me: "Sir. David, tell me how exactly does this bump and grind activity work in the habitat of Homo Erectus in Copperus?"

DA: "The majestic dance of Homo Erectus in Copperus is composed of the alpha male approaching a loose contingent of females, usually from the side. With care and precision he targets one of the members of the female pack, eyes focussed and ready to move in. He extends his arms forward, hands now pressed on the female's shoulders he repositions himself, moving into the female with his hips. The female responds to this activity with a slight reversal of her posterior against the male's anterior. The activity is carried on with the male moving his hands further down the length of the prey. Success of the 'kill' is determined with the fervour of this activity. With this, heads collide, the male holds onto to his prey, slight twist of the neck... and it's all over."

Me: "Fascinating Sir. David, and now tell me has environmental conditions a massive part to play in this mating ritual?"

DA: "Indeed, in fact one might say that environmental conditions have a massive role. Firstly, the male usually consumes vast quantities of the substance Aqua Vitae at varying concentrations, however this also is complemented by the females in the pack consuming such substances... Along with this, the male must listen to particular music, the majestic songs of the night usually promotes the bump n' grind activities."

Me: "Really David? What kinds of music must be available?"

DA: Well anything really, this particular one is somewhat popular [showing me data collected], along with this and this. However these song choices are quite subjective, usually they are not a determining factor but a support mechanism for the alpha males progression.

Me: "Fascinating David, well thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to me, have you any plans now for the future?"

DA: "It was my pleasure. Future plans? Well, right now I plan on necking this shoulder and going to Coppers."

Me: "Hold on, I'll get my wallet!"

It really is something to behold, like the perfect majesty of a peacocks feathers unfold and untwain at the behest of the peahen, bump n' grind has given us something to be enthralled with. As the night rolls forth, the aqua vitae is consumed and the tunes keep on rolling... we have given our children a legacy to be proud of!